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Los Angeles, May 26, 2006


I did homework most of the day. Have to gather some fun pics for autobiography. Must write. Must study framework for yearly event in Rotterdam in planned film workshop in which we hope to build in actual streaming so other people can join, or be interactive. All this being part of a venue I hope to take on in Jan 07. To then further explore it. It is a condensed idea from Sundance that has been brewing ever since I left there with bubbles in my blood. I am also now getting deeper in a screenplay, which I may direct in 2007. Can't tell more now, but will when the news gets out. I also started to clean up my laptop. My laptop and I don't know each other that well. We only spend a limited time. But it has built into a major trashcan. I was shocked to find 11000 or so pictures. Taken all over. But 10000 are definitely crap. LOL. Hell. How do I save so much lousy stuff? Info blabla dot com. Hello. So I cleaned up for a few hours until I ran out of coffee. Pfffft.

I landed here in LA a week ago or so. Running around again to do physical maintenance. Last week was all teeth. Next is all doctor. Meanwhile I need to go through the normal struggles when you get somewhere after 7 months away and had two cars that just sat there. One runs without headlights and the other tells me there is an engine problem. Mind you, the one without lights just had a major service done. All good and dandy. I should have a few more clues about the future after Cannes is over. Things look great, weird and/or good. The virility of my industry I am told sucks. Did it ever not? It all depends what you know and how to look at it. But yeah, I think looking at it, I get the picture. The vague trend of not having enough story to fit screen or brain. But boy, what a general and dumb remark anyway. We just move on. Or try. And do anyway. What I wanted is to just get some more info in here about what's ahead.

I do need to thank people for the constant stream of warmth. It still surprises me that so many can read what it is I try and do. Within the funny little game of the "act" itself. It is nice to be reassured for that connection. I say this because I fell into a website where people wish me Oscars. I got sucked in and felt Oscarized for a moment. Thank you. Thoughts definitely count. As you may know or suspect, I don't shed tears rapidly. Very understated. It is mostly because sadness just does not hold its ground that long. A tear or two. An actor like myself or any other actor who pledges his weight etc., in movies can not do much more than trust, give & hope while doing the job. I always do. The job on MENTOR was experimental in many ways. Good story, good actors and a director who was on his first time out. For a change, the role I played had good weight and was a lead role one would not quickly cast me in. The money was for love. So was the movie. Experiments don't need to be painless. And risks are many. Not just here but always. If I look at my career I would say that 60% is/was risky because of all kinds of different ingredients. The more I learn the less I know. But yes, it is still a secret what it takes to make a good or great movie. Shooting this took a lot of pull and bull. Which you don't need to know. I don't know exactly what came to pass but it comes down to the fact that the movie, as it was put together, hardly represented what I had put in as fun, meat and games. If I had read that script I would not have taken it on. Can I conclude that ego was the bad guy here? I think so. My God, whoever invented ego, and especially too much, should be burnt on the stake. Or something else even nastier. It is probably true that it is a good idea for an artist to reinvent her/himself. It was part of the deal. And here I am. 2 tears for what is history and what never was. Such a talent, this director. A wasteful moment. Oh well...

Rutger

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