Didi's Days

Mon May 21 2001
Message: Hi Rutger, did the day start with a smile for you? hope so! Maybe a little sunshine too, -here it's coming and going but at least no rain. Well, already Monday.. This was a special weekend. Maybe it passed unnoticed for many people, but AIDSmemorialday was 'celebrated' last Saturday. It's been years since I joined the crowd in Amsterdam where we all remember the ones we lost because of hiv/aids. The performances, the speeches, the song 'THE ROSE" sang after we are finished and the bag pipe player ( after some ups and downs still able to play!) who plays THE ROSE while everyone marches- wheels or hangs on to partners, buddy's or anyone's arms to move, to the Dam, where the bells play the rose again, together with the bagpipe player and then we let go white balloons with cards attached to them, with messages. Personal ones. It makes you shiver to the bone. But, the most beautiful part of this all happens still in the Beurs van Berlage ( where the Memorial takes place), after the speeches and sometimes songs, dances -inspired by hiv, and often performed by 'patients' -Heck.. I don't know what theme they had this year I just realize....-sigh..- That most beautiful part takes place in the dark, where we all sit in silence, and then suddenly people start shouting, or at least they try to, tears often make it hard to speak- the names of those passed on. I used to shout the names too. Started with only one, I didn't know more people. Then I became one of the guys.. yes I know I am a woman, but my friends were all men. I lost almost every one of them, two less close friends are still alive and one lives in the States. Within 4 years I had to shout all those names. 28 names. Two women were added to that group as well.. Some died after a long struggle, horrible therapies, disappointment and finally defeat. HIV had won. Some died by their own had, couldn't cope anymore. After my last and closest friend died I became too ill myself to go without someone to help me, and I didn't and don't have such a person so I use Memorial day- or better, the whole weekend to remember them in my own way, in my own home. I rarely take out the cards, -funeral cards often, little things I have from them or the emails I have saved on disks, because it's too confronting, painful. But this weekend it was time to take them out again. I remember one of them always writing under his emails, "a coffin is always less comfortable then a condom: stay safe!"... Yes..straight forward but so right. My friend Rem came over on Sunday and we sang the rose- in a good version and one we tried to record on webcam, -ha what a laugh.. cam isn't made for that amount of sound and volume, and somehow the image was blurry too, -no focus option on the cam. But, we tried anyway. Some friends were able to see it, with others it kept buffering. Doesn't matter. The ones that know what The rose means were glad to get it, even though a day late ( Sunday instead of Saturday), and others have a funny impression of what the heck I am doing in this room at the weekend hahaha Another day is coming up soon- May 26. One I rather don't remember but still somehow 'celebrate' it..or more.. acknowledging it..maybe. The day I got the results of the hiv test, after several inconclusive tests,-from which the first result came on my birthday, the 11th.. it was a hell of a month, tested April 25th, and 5 wrong test, one screw up at the lab, a new test and then.. Bingo. In the middle of a live broadcasting at the studio -I was a radio host- the phone rang. Oh well.. still 5 days to go, and decided to think of the good things that happened in the second half of my life, the one after I knew I have it, and not to think too much about what was good in the other half of my life, the time before the test. It can be nice to wear pink glasses and use it to look at the past, but sometimes that's only fooling yourself which I don't do ( much) anymore. OH MY..... I've filled your gb way too much dear RRRRR.. but besides my own sh*t, -(latest update) now a bit spastic, hiv has eaten some nerves in my bone marrow/spinal cord which will progress as with for instance Multiples Sclerosis, and not reversible, so now trying to find the right neurological pill to make the spasms less severe ... so nice when you sing and suddenly your head starts to bang forward, or backwards.. tiring though ( even though it's annoying and makes ya tired it does give.. let's say.. funny situations.. but never thought I would get spastic. grrr. Well, hanging around that neck of yours, and again, sorry for filling up the book, but needed to share. -kept this 'memorial in private' real private, so now a few of my wolfie friends know why I was a little more 'locked up' then usual and didn't tell about the above as it was 'happening. had to keep it for myself till I was 'done'. MWAH.. see ya big daddy blue eyes! didi

Sun May 13 2001
Message: hi Rutgertje, I really think I am running out of fuel now ( no not about a car, nor wheelchair.. mean energy) As I said, I chose for fun, and knew my body wouldn't agree with that decision so.. yep this tigger is looking like droopy now tehehe. Just finished composing a new song with my friend Rem, which pleased us both more then you can imagine. Only a hey-fever throat so needed puffs and lime with honey to produce some sound. Of course, at the end suddenly my voice was 100%.. by that time we both looked like zombies ( as I do now.. boooooooo..scary aint I? hehehe) Next time we're gonna try if we can catch some sound on my webcam.. yeh.. "studio Sunday tunes".. the 2 of us live.. heeellllppp, Nahh don't even know if the cam will be able to cope with the volume and high tones, but if it does it gives a nice impression of us, for some friends. had a lovely b.day.. amazing how internet can enrich your ( at least my..) life. Reckon you're almost done there huh? Hope you've swung your butt on the nice Brazilian tunes ( which I LOVE.. Jazzy Brazilian.. draws ya into a rhythm that can flip over your mood 180 degrees!!) This Dutchy here is gonna rest now... probably will lay half dead for a few hours. -now hope those legs won't start again.. pain was so unbearable last night and night before.. Hope doc 2 can give me something soon.. otherwise.. the homeopathic way to knock me out. ok, hangin' around your neck as ever ( who thought I would give up on that by now.. nooo way!) KISSSSS didi

Fri May 11 2001
Message: Hi daddy blue eyes! What a wonderful day it is today. Sunny, warm, finally weather to sit outside and listen to audiobooks without getting sick! Do you know what a wonderful bunch of fans you have? I really need to thank all those I even never spoke to and still thought of me and sent me cybercards! wow.. we're gonna have a party tonight on the net, so need to get some extra sleep, or kip as the British call it- and you know why that makes me giggle.. can you see me sleeping with a kip? nahhh..( however.. I do have a reputation of being kinky, nahh not with a kip!!!!hahaha-sorry English speakers, kip is chicken in Dutch) I had lots of lovely presentes -blink blink- one of them a UFO lamp.. psychedelic and I love it! I am SPOILED! tired as hell, 'cause Cazzie and I have been unwrapping last night, but a girl has to set priorities and I do know I get a little Xtra ill when I 'over do it' a bit but I won't ever let the pleasure slip because of that. Birthdays are more special now, each one becomes a victory, that feeling only started with the last one, and this time it's even more so. And you and the firly girlies make that victory huge and something to remember! Uhh.. Cazziebeastsister.. coffee.. lots of black coffee..-that b.day song has the same effect as R's singing in soldier of orange hahahaha! And Wizzy, happy birthday too honey!!! ..the little furball, tehee BB...YOU GOT HIM..yep dear Rutger, it wás a clue, even though pets do get names that often don't fit with the sexes! -judi, good luck honey! again, everyone, thank you for thinking of me! ok, now I filled up the book enough. Hugs and.. hanging around your neck and maybe a tango for my birthday so if you get dizzy you know why! bye pooh! Didi

Tue May 08 2001
Message: Hello dear man, Sucks with those work permits and all, -can't come to his name right now, but some Dutch actor who was picked out by Steven Spielberg to play in that new movie with Tom Cruise had to leave because his work permit wasn't arranged. Thought of you when he told about that, and boom.. my 'fear' was in place. But so to hear you aren't that easy to get rid of hahaha. Wacky and weird.. yes that suits you.. teehee Think I am in a good mood today.. tonight, when the clock strikes 1 am and may 9 starts in the UK our cazzie and I will celebrate her birthday on the phone ( sorry caz, had to mention it!) Look forward to it. must make sure I have rested some before of course! A man from the nurses agency has left about an hour ago. Such a relief that he has been a buddy, so no need to explain things about hiv/aids, just some extra info about my handicap. Now they have to find me some nurses who can work in a way that suits me best and it will start. Yeah, sometimes things just work fine. Think it was about time too! Listening to Venice ( a band from Callifornia) right now. Such a great harmony in the songs! -gonna record some of my own soon too, but have caught a cold so my own voice is about a quint lower then usual and a bit cracky.. which can be 'sexy' in some songs, but the song that could use that hasn't been recorded for as far as the guitar goes.. you'll see when Rem has recorded his guitar part I sing my normal voice again. ah well, can't have everything. (duhhh not even half..) -Rain, was lovely to see you too in chat. Am trying to make it more often!! Well.. gotta write some now, so will leave your gb papabear! Nosey, kissy tickle and wiggle, hanging around that neck as ever! didi

Thu May 03 2001
Message: Hi Rutger, sigh.. Please help me hanging, I am so exhausted I will fall off! As Cazzie already stated, my upstairs neighbour ( or at least the man he hired) is driving me crazy. Drilling, breaking, polishing ( with such a loud sharp noisy machine) from 8 am till 8 pm. Can't hear myself or others speaking, can't hear radio nor tv, can't think. Mom's heart started to give trouble from the nerves, I had an epileptic seizure. grrrrr Yesterday Remco, my friend/bro was here, thought we could sing a time extra.. yeah.. first only hammering, well we could sing over that sound ( extra time EXTRA loud wild monta skies.. really a leathal weapon when we are not yet 'warm' haha) but.. no, the guy went on. and then.. we had 'inspiration' started composing again.. forget it. we couldn't hear the guitar nor ourselves. If I could have made him drill his.. ****** off.. I would. so, we did record in hopes the mic would pick up some of what we did- at least the guitar was recorded straight into the recorder. Listened back; you hear nice. . . drilling. -actually, when I hear it I have to laugh. remco is angry but I can't help giggling. Am bruised from the seizure now, went back to bed but the bed is vibrating. No, not some nice new toy, no joy no smile, no glacey eyes, just the vibrations from the drilling that makes my mattress turn wild. So, up again, checking the site, checking my girls. Should start new writing but can't concentrate.. uhh.. am writing now, but no need to concentrate to fill up the GB hahahahaa and then.. ULTIMATE GUESTBOOK FILLING: because, it was, there fore, never the less, after all, it has been and will become.. peace. sorry.. persiflage.. couldn't resist.teheheee tomorrow may 4th.. dodenherdenking. (honoring the people who died in WWII) .. they can't do the ceremony as usual.. because of foot and mouth spreading. grrrrr. Mom understands but does hurt. I feel the same. May.. a difficult month for both mom and me. For her the war, for her my own private war. ok I know, filled up enough space. -what ever you do in Brazil, I'm hanging along ( you must feel like a kangaroo...) KISSSSSS didi

Sun April 29 2001
Message: hey dear man, yep night owl here. Still used to my rhythm of having to stay up at night till 2 am for medication. No medication to take now but can't get used to a normal night yet. It'll come. been drooling over your picture gallery again, and love the new ones- have them blown up from my wolfie sisters so I could see them better,.. so jummy.. and cute in a.. how do you call it in English? tuinbroek..LOL but do like you best as you are now.. ok ok and the shot in FB with your hand in your...NECK. just talked with my dearest furry girlie about how much female flesh you 'must' touch for your job. I know, "just a job"..-bet the woman need LOTS of rehersals.. hahahaaa ( or you too?? spill the beans!) ok, bit in a silly mood. woke up after my nap this early evening and saw the main compartinment of my patinets-lift hanging - on the ceiling-.. still not used to it, and also installed a new webcam today. what did I say to mom with my sleepy head? What is that camera doing in the middle of the room... ahum.. duuhhhhh.. bing bong. oh btw, cazzie sis... how I kick if I am haning on my ankles? honey I don't hang on my ankles anymore. training my thighs now..must be careful not to choke him! can kick all over- not your way of course -innocent face. and raindance, you're a doll. hey sweet man, see ya. hanging as ever d-dee

Fri April 20 2001
Message: Hi Sweet blue Bear, I gotta do it.. I gotta yell hurray!! Have you heard? It was on the news, and I am so happy: the pharmaceutical companies had to give in.. South Africa will have access to cheaper hiv -drugs!!! I haven't heard the details but this is already enough to make a few wheelies... It won't save lifes, but sure will make it easier. And not only that, the drugs exist so everyone should have the right to chose.. to take it or not. There is some justice.. sometimes. Well.. sick laptop huh? If your lap is empty now.. I'm glad to fill it up till the puter is back.. No? drat! the neck it is then. Oh by the way, when you get a tired neck at night ( UK time) it's not me, it's cazzie. Made a deal with her, she's got you at night, I got you during the day. Normally one would think a man should have something say about it.. but in this case. You don't. teeehee. fix that puter up dear bear, love ya till end of time -oh and hi tia, miss you too hon! byeeeeeee

Thu March 01 2001
Message: hiya, how are you big guy? if Wendy's right, congrats! already sailing on the big blue sea? playing "Berend botje?" LOL. At my end it's not real great. Besides the medical shit, pain and other side effects, a few people disapointed me again. wonder if that ever stops. Promising things and don't do it. ooh I resent it so much!! always the "oh sorry, I changed my mind".. And I never learn, always bump my head ( worse then a donkey!!!) Now ofcourse, they have lots of things to do, and I don't have anything to do except what I make myself do to pass time ( and that's internet, cruising on your site -which is fun but not all day!- or listening tv/video an dsing every weekend) so, I grab such an idea with both hand, focus on it.. But in their busy lives it's nothing. just a thought and the thought simply changed. too much probs because I can't ever show up there.. pfff wonder what they say if they can't travel anymore when they have the same probs.-although they will always see eachother since they all live in A.dam and I don't. anyway, it means no new newsletter for the positive women, no stories by me in the old newsletter.. No groups on the internet which they made me make but never subscribed to make it work.. grrr ha no contact at all. Maybe stupid of me to try to restore the connections with them again. I know they are so much different then I am, they have normal lives, next to being hiv positive. I don't. Never have fit in that group, but at the same time I don't fit in a group of disabled people either. I do fit in this little Hauerworld though! No better support and company then the girls here. At this very moment the wolfies are scratching there ears and back and are moaning while hopping their tails up and down.. why? we are having a cub! our Pam's daughter is having her kid FINALLY!!!! yep, cyber aunts we are probably by now, or almost. yeehaaa hmm.. I stop now, before my note is an earthquake on it's own. (sorry Gordon) Love ya, miss ya, still hanging around your neck but be aware.. I might get sea-sick if you're rocking on the waves!!! AHOOooWO OOooWOOWOo ooWOOW OOOOooWO ooooooo didi

Wed February 21 2001
Message: Hi daddy blue eyes! -nice little new additon in bytes.. two of you huh? well I'll settle for one!!! ok ok.. a half..1/8?? It's quiet in Hauer land, silent knight..even the gb is slow- no offence wolfsisters and other furry and not furry beings! I hope you're working on what you had planned, and as crony says, that the contract is signed! We need some action report I think.. why the heck am I writing here? ohh simple: feeling like sh*t from the medication, have to stay out of the living room because the floor has just been mopped with polishing stuff ( that sure makes nice artistic looking tire marks if I drive in circles!!) and I have to call the hiv-neurologist to discuss the matter of the drug that has to go but give me a hell of a pain in the mean time. But, glad to say your fans, my friends keep me pleasantly crazy.. ok ok.. I'll leave the gb alone now!! hanging around your neck!! didi AHOWOOoOWOWOWOWoooOWOWWOOWOWOWOWowoooooo

Thu February 01 2001
Message: Hi Rutger, sorry, gotta use your gb to thank your fans for supporting me, and writing me all those lovely emails and cards. I'm not fit enough to answer each letter I get ( and that's a lot!) but I never had so many people caring about my well being. thank you all. I feel a little better. It's not perfect yet, but I don't have to be in bed all the time, and the pain is a lot less severe. most danger is out of the air too. the medication, how risky they might be do their job amazingly well. now only hope I can continue taking them. tomorrow back to the hospital to test my blood to see if my liver can hold on. if I am in the clear now, the doc can still blow the whistle in the next coming 4 weeks, then one of the four meds has to go.. hope not. finding a substitute for it will be hard. I'm not back full mode yet wolfie friends, but prepare yourself for my return.. this raunchy dutchgirl is slowly heading for the den!!! thanks dear Rutger for being there- and here or anywhere on this planet. there should be a medicine with your name on it, 'cause that's what you are! pure medicine ( against rutgeritis...) much love miss G, zoentjes, talk or write to you soon!!! didi - hey daddy blue eyes, I never let go of that neck.. think my arms are glued to it.. - byeeeeeee AHOOWOWOOOoooooo

Thu January 18 2001
Message: Dear rutger thank you so much for your kind words. feels like you have your arms around me to protect me like big daddy blue eyes ( could use some protection now..) everyone else who supports me and cares for me, thank you. It's not easy to go on line and write at thsi moment. I am very ill. HIV-meningitis. first time i had it was about 2 years ago, and it kept coming back, chronic hiv meningitis so to speak, but medication for as far as I can take hiv medication, was supposed to keep it bearable. I start to get resistent to the hiv blocker and so it's back full attack. I try to write normal sentences, I hope I succeed.. I even talk funny. not only because of the sedation and painkillers. tests have to be done ( on your birthday my dear man), I seem to have brain damage from all that time having these inflammations in my head. chance I have had a little bleeding caused by another hiv related illness called ITP, but that is not sure. the tests,including cat scans have to make clear what is going on. I hope there is a medication to at least stop the symptoms that are getting pretty annoing like spastic movements in left body parts. I have to stop . the pain is killing me. thank you again dear man. I love ya. dear friends thankyou for suppport. I hope to bne back soon. didi

Fri August 31 2001
Message: Hi Rutger! as I listen to the rain, which probably will produce a rainbow since it is sunny at the same time I am taking my temperature. ( in my mouth of course LOL) I've had a few bad days, with one day dangerous high fever, and lower ones till last night. it beeps.. hold on; good! 38C, a bit of a temp but not much! During that high fever I caught a cold. Extra anti biotics have to prevent it from turning into a pneumonia, but I think it's only a few very stiff muscles and a face that feels like I'm bruised with a black eye and jaw. Sinus infection and as usual a few very swollen glands in my neck and face. ah well.. I try to do some stuff, have to go back to bed a lot because of sudden fever attacks, or major swooshyness or real dizziness but I'll survive! Trying to do some with those icons I spoke about a few days back.. did make a cursor.. sweetie.. you really don't wanna know what kind of cursor LOL (besides that.. you need a magnifying glass and reading glasses to see it) Side effects -pain and a general feeling of hiv-eritis as I call symptoms known to be caused by hiv itself, are building up, but I cope with it. only a bit out of touch with everyone I'm affraid. - - - Anne, very sorry to hear about your brother. I remember when my mom had cancer, I was only a very small child. It's awful to want to fight against something you can't really fight in any other way then doctors tell you.. Only thing one can do is live, as long as you can, as long as life is still living. hugs to you.-- Jennifer haha you crazy girl! have fun, see you when you are home! thanks for the message!! -- well dear poohbear, still am a tigger without a bounce but I'll find a way to climb up- bend over you tree of a man..- yep I'm hanging. wo o ooo oow.. don't run!!!! love and waves from the parental front LOL Didi AhoowoooWO WOooWOoo WOOoooo WOooooo ooooo

Sun August 26 2001
Message: Hi Rutger! yes you are correct, our first talk was a year ago exact on the date! cheers!( happy anniversary hahahaaha) so many things have happened in that year, bad ones but so many good ones.. and none of the good would have happened without you, your site and the people I met on the site. kiss for it sweet bear. Sounds interesting, that Indian actor, and caz showed me a piccie from Sean's site so now know a bit about whom you are talking! long days for you.. arrghh could tell ya not to work too hard but that's said to deaf man's ears! It's awfully hot here, but a thunder and rain -and the rest of what comes with it- front is coming towards us.. it is getting dark so I hope it really falls down on us too! can't bear that heat. Rem and I tried to sing but if I tried I wanted to drive back to the standing fan and gasp air for 10 min. so we cancelled this weekends session, just talked, yawned ( weekend ritual here.. waking up together, or at least try.. loooads of coffee). fed him some pie.. not my own though. nope, that one has to be baked in two weeks again, when my cazzietwintwit is coming to visit me. ( yeehaa). ok Rut-oh-rut, see ya later, hanging on my ankles again.. arms too hot. -and someone told me to think kittens and jellybeans today..maybe ankle hanging is a result of that LOL hugsies, Didi

Wed August 22 2001
Message: Dear dear Rutger, dear friends, including the 'new' ones and anonymous ones; I am crying, once more but this time it's from something special, a good feeling that's for sure. -Cazzie my sister, you told me in private that the poem was for me and yes.. it's me. thank you love. you caught me words like only you can. and the other poem, from Jackie's card, so touching too- mwah! .. all the cybercards, emails, GB messages, it's amazing. Yes I was alone, alone inside and outside but coming home here, and be lifted up by more hands then I can count make me realize that I may have lost a lot.. I will loose so much more, but Lord what I have gained, incredible. When I came to your site Rutger, I had no one but my parents and my bro. Now it feels like half the world cares, always a place to come home to.. as long as I my body and brain allow it, I will come home. day in, day out. Some- or better said, a lot of people ask me what can they can do to help, (find a cure? hahaha) but dear people, you all have no idea what you do for me. no supportgroup I have been on has ever been so true, close, nor has given this warmth, in laughter and in tears. yesterday I was simply in shock.. had to face what I knew but hadn't heard out loud in that way, and the echo of those words, confrontation with the final result of aids- and a nasty situation for as far as the drugs goes, filled the emptiness when I sat there alone with the ashtray. ... till I hollered in this GB, and your voices filled some of the emptiness and faded out the echo of the words that no person wants to hear. Thank you, everyone, I love you all.. I've babbled enough here, mustn't fill up your space Rutger. Till soon. AHooWOWOO ooWOOWOo oooo OOoooo Didi

Mon August 20 2001
Message: hi Rutmans, hmm I should be laying down now, but mom has a diabetic sugar dip so gotta wait till she is ok again, then I can lay down. and I need it! gosh I've had a bad night, got the spasms ( quite bad) in chat,-which meant no hands to chat with.. went better after an hour, then it came back in the early morning, right after one of our 5 cats had been stuck under the mechanical foot/leg supporter from my mom's chair ( and we both didn't know why the chair was making such a strange noise.. till she made the foot/leg supporter come up again and yup.. the cat came out from under it.. poor thing, caught in a chair.. but Keessie didn't mow, he just ran like hell to escape to the garden, not hurt.. or he was in shock he he he!!! Rem has been here instead of this weekend and we had a very good, intensive talk ( takes lots of energy as well.. pff more then I thought) and just sang a little but not too much since I wasn't feeling too healthy.. duuuh how would that come huh? And now.. I really have to tell you that you've made a mistake with the pictures in the gallery.. how sweet they may be, you accidentally chose the wrong pic -the one from 1969-.. you should know that I, bounceless tigger didn't exist till a year later, and how adorable that mini tiger on your uuhmm.. let's say.. lap, is.. it should have been a pic of extra large Tigger, the big CAT ( me) there.. same postion, or any other for that matter.. as long as you give tigger the same look at that kittycat.. teeheheee beardyman is lovely,-tickle tickle- and 'now bear' is the very very very best -no I do not stutter! But really, it's so nice you also went purple.. (oops.. background I mean).. say it yourself : looks much better then sea-green.. and much more important: it fits my screen colours so perfectly! and of course that is what counts huh! duuuuuh. oh btw, EVA: the word you were looking for is moppie, more used for women though.. but yeh.. he's a sort of moppie.. I'll stick to 'scheet' .. and that means fart but in Dutch that is used as a pet name too! hahahhaa ok.. now nursey and eva are walking with mills and probably Rutger as well if I go on.. woops, there's mom.. got some colour back on her cheeks ( face!) and doesn't shake anymore, means I can SLEEP.. which I need! gotta see the doc tomorrow so wish me luck ol' bear.. I will keep on hanging when I have to go to his 'room'..not THE room alas, so sorry..you'll be pulled along for support! give you a neck massage later if I've pulled too hard love, AHoooOO WOOOWoo OOOoooooOO oOOoo Didi

Mon August 13 2001
Message: Ooooh... ahhh.. uuuuhh.. What a delight to have a magnifying option in my new wireless mouse.. I think I will stay on the guestbook page for as long as I can.. Now I imagine a marble floor under you instead of sand.. double ooooh.. Tehehehee what can I say? (besides ohhh)Nah, without kidding, lovely new piks OOPS..pics on the site dear papabear. After my museum story I have something new to 'feel' huh? If only computers could be in relief..- they do have puters that give smell, thought in Japan.. order flowers and test the smell of the roses you ordered. really! not kidding! but.. till we have relief puters, bare bear would be a good test object.. I know.. undress my teddy and I have one.. duuuh. Must say, even though I love the piccy behind the menu ( after I enlarged it) the colour behind it clashes with my screen colours.. of course those are all pink and purple -what else when you are in a purple palace as good as every day.. LOL but maybe it'll come in fashion one day.. lilac with sea green. My nurse -no not Renee#2, my real nurse heard about what's up with me, she is back from vacation and plan was she would be here tomorrow but she already dropped by to check me for bruises. this time she wrote the report to doc B ( by email). a few more things to say then I wrote him last friday.. which made him ask me if I didn't want to come over and start the new stuff, but my other doc isn't there and I would have to begin with a new doc and I have my belly full of temp. docs.. nope I wait. only more nosebleedings and more spicks of blood through my skin on more places. Only one week I will manage that! watch me! hey sweetie, don't work too hard in that damn heat. Hugsies and love ya, I keep on hanging but I do need a towel between us, way to hot to stick to your skin! LOL -thanks webmasters for all treats! cuwhenIcu AhoOW oOWOoO WOWoO WWO OWOW OOWOWOoooWOO OWOOW OWOoo(GASP..!) wo oo ooo o

Mon August 13 2001
Message: Hi rutger!- yes it is late but I just came out of bed after a long nap.. Rem was here today, not that I did too much but anything is a too much at the moment. But I won't stop singing, no matter what.. I have even sang when I had that pneumonia, even though you had to use a hearing aid to hear me..think I only breathed heavily in rhythm.. but anyway, that was then, now is now.. now I shake in rhythm if I am not careful. This time only one shaky hour.. Rem stopped singing right away, so we went on hugging ( now that is a nice treat, even though hugging a bro is not the same as hugging a... darn.. wonder how those wolfsisters of mine come to think of me when they see a statuette of a naked man? I don't give them any reason to think of me that way do I? DUUUUUHHHHH) So, I am supposed to teach you to massage in Braille huh? ok.. if I can read you you can read me LOL Now that statuette the ladies spoke about made me think of that summer of 1984.. I just had to face that I wouldn't see normally anymore. I wasn't blind but as now, only saw blurs -and couldn't make anything out of them since I wasn't used to it as I am now. In my training period to learn to see by touch and hearing my parents took me to the "tropen museum' in Amsterdam. there was an exhibit of Indonesian and Papua art ( and a rebuild of a few houses like my father has lived in on the army base in Jakarta in his childhood) anyway. mom brought me to some statuettes, you know.. the wellknown male figures.. with huge cocks as a symbol of virtility ( sp) but it was a bit high and not much light in that isle so she told me feel. I was allowed to touch it, -she had asked- and she wanted me to tell what I 'saw', including little ornaments and such. She didn't tell me it was a huge dick I would be going to touch.. I started with the head. Now you must realize I was just 14!!! I came lower, chest, arms, then.. jabba jabba jabba.. Now at the moment I started to feel something 'strange.. which I still didn't think of as a body part, 'cause I thought it was some tool ( yeh... different tool) or a weapon, two older ladies came from behind another table with statuettes. behind an original totem they kept still, and I heard one woman say "Oh my, look that, what a pervert! she is giving that doll a handjob!" but then in the most pure Amsterdam accent you can imagine, clearly from the Jordaan! the moment I heard that I understood what I was feeling and took my hands off, of course blamed mom, who almost was wetting her pants and dad saying I had to give it a kiss too hahahaha -sigh.. now I am even telling ya the imbarresing stories of my youth.. Ah well, as a daddy blue yes you aught to know LOL Dear Wolfiesisters.. thank you for uhhm, thinking of me ( not sure I should be thanking ya though..tehehehe) and dear Man of men, LOVE YA dd

Sat August 11 2001
Message: Hi Daddy blue, what a lot of updates, thanks- also to the webmaster!!- again a step into that black hole called film production.. I would go completely insane with all that insecurity! ( here,.. a hanky for that cold..) At least you have computer access, a little bit of home in cyberspace. And me, well, everytime I have another nosebleeding I swoosh like crazy, but glad at least the clots come out.. better then staying in, knowing it comes from little bleeding behind the eyes -amongst other small veins. but, surely gonna ask for a photo when I see doc B, can't have more eye damage then I already have. I feel lousy, fevers, and generally ill.. in a way I can't wait to start my drugs again, but a bit scared to begin with the new drug that has to be added to the left over's. ah well.. another week. In the mean time I come out of bed for chat- and boy did we have fun! Pam's journey to her new home was celebrated in.. a mud. Yep, we had a mud wrestle contest! I know.. we are crazy, and we are glad to be! you need some imagination in that purple palace of yours but that's no prob for us wolfies. Hey sweets, see ya soon, big kiss and I'm hangin as ever.. boy is it hot.. buy a fan on a cap LOL ( as I said.. lot of imagination hahaha) PS: DENISE, it doesn't happen a lot that I read a story from begin to the end. With yours I did. I am sorry that your dad made your life so miserable, no one should be hurt by a parent, or by anyone for that matter. Standing up to him has been a milestone in your life, and I thank you for sharing it. I am glad I have never been beaten by my father. I may not really connect with him, but he is the most gentle father one could wish for. How ever, child abuse was and is a part of my life since it is a huge part of my mother's life, she is 68 and it still shows in some things she does, or how she does it. You are able to write it down in a way I admire. My own painful years ( not by a parent but by caretakers) never came out on paper. I think I simply don't have the guts to confrot myself with it. hahaha as you see... you touched some people here! hugs didi ( PPS: Rutger.. please.. don't collapse on ANY floor while I am hanging.. I bruise too easily at the moment!! KISSSS)

Mon August 06 2001
Message: Pssssst... Ruuuuuutger... (......) HIYA! ooops..did I scare ya? pffft, as if I could. woke up with a real bad head. then the daily inspection of my body since my thrombocites are way down. I had to decide whether to call doc B or not. It's kind of interesting, blood spicks through the skin.. but, after an hour or 2 I decided not to call in. not yet. It's only one shoulder and a spot on my arm and it is not growing, and not touchable blood, only showing so I have reported it by email ( very handy to have email contact with the doc/nurses!), will check it 3 times a day, and will call them if it spreads but for now this is just as minor as the little nose bleedings. I simply gotta hold on till the 21st.. Of course emergency is another case but for now.. The computer, the wolfies and you keep me busy and insane so that's ok. Have sang a bit yesterday, it's too exhausting at the moment though. I was shaking after the 3rd song.- now that's ok with a dramatic song.. give it more credibility..duhh but with an uptempo song..no. Rem, my bro was over- concerned. if he could he would wrap me in cotton wool and keep me in bed. Now a man who wants to keep me in bed is fine.. but not my friend/bro Rem!!! hahahaha ( too young.. 25!). He came in at 1pm, to wake up at my place (gay pride/canal parade meant a day and a night partying for him..) and started to inspect my head. I had no idea what he wanted.. guess what? he had read here about my grey hairs!!! almost jumped around like repelsteeltje (trans in Eng.. no idea, it's a fairytale character) and called me an old broad! NAH! teehehehe. Well.. I gotta go. Dad wants to pump me up. -uuuhmm I mean my tyres!!! All four of them almost are a few days away from being flat.. so I need some air ( Deb, can I hire you? haha sorry!) well dear Rutababe, see ya later, I'm hanging, -with my head against a shoulder I reckon.. headaches need broad shoulder to rest on!..or chests.. or tummy's..or as in my case.. just my pillow in 30 min. love didi

Wed August 01 2001
Message: Hi Rut-o-bear, what a lovely byte to bite in! And big pics so with some effort I could even see some! So, in those 6 months the package learned to speak huh? teeehehee funny writing on it! Hope you still like the tape. ( can assure ya, wasn't easy to mix down!) Well, after seeing doc B yesterday I'm pretty tired. Glad he's back though. Not that much has changed but at least some humanity and effort to find out if any treatment would help in emergency, and that's more then what the other bonehead did. But, swooshy I will be for a while.. Neurologist doesn't have time till the end of the month. will see if doc B can speed that up though. have to call him tomorrow anyway. Well nothing else to tell really, -besides that I am still feeling old now doc B noticed I have loads of grey hairs in my pitblack fur.. grrr.. but besides that, just waving- oh and also waving to Spooky, girl long time no see! you've got some catching up to do LOL Now, between packing, just sit down man, I may be used hanging around your neck, but I want to lay my head down too so SIT. You might catch a hug or two but just bite your teeth.. you'll survive LOL love you to bits, bytes and pieces, Didi

Fri July 27 2001
Message: Hi rutgerohohoh, are you melting away too? I am! darn, if not from fever I melt away from the weather LOL Yesterday a high fever that didn't drop till 7pm. before that I had been sleeping but talked nonsense too, hallucinated from fever. Fam. doc said just give some paracetamol, not much you can do with fever. If it stays on without a break for a few days you have to call the hospital. well, paracetamol.. I think I can pee paracetamol by now so that really didn't help. Finally mom decided to give me some quinine.. not the safest stuff but at least it helped together with the ice packings. Managed to celebrate Crony's birthday in pp too-we had to leave your wonderful palace though.. it's not working real great lately.. freezes like crazy and then runs over the screen, people fall out which doesn't happen in our own little room. not related to how many people there are though, can happen with 2 in the room, 6 in the room etc. (we know it happens with around 9 but this is ..ok ok you're no computer wizard -but mr C is !!!LOL) anyway, woke up with only a light fever so I try to do something. swooshing still going on, but soon very soon I might hear what is causing this 'episode'. poor doc B.. comes back and finds this shit going on! oh uhh.. you noticed I worked myself in a bit of a.. position here with Renee#2 and -who was it.. Sarah?- the woman who writes the L.U. L.. lets see if I can explain it with some decency LOL.. Girls, LUL is a the most rude word for that specific male body part, also used a LOT for calling names.. so I REALLY wonder what it in shorthand! ( only thing I can think of is love U lots..) arrghh me and my Dutch lessons.. And sweet bear, whaddaya think of caz's visualisation? knowing you you start swimming and I tell ya.. I can't! I'd be screaming my lungs out. uhhm next stop forest? LOVE YA -need another break (yep.. still writing with breaks..sigh) I'm hanging.. kiss didi

Mon July 23 2001
Message: Hi lord of the book, I sure like the tone and the laughter in the GB last few days. Hear hear for the wolfies!- and our alpha male. Yep, this bouncless tigger is sitting behind the pc again ( logical.. can't sit ON it..) Sunday, in my singing session I took ill, very high fever -41C, went up and down but never lower then 39C so my mom of mom's put me in bed. Remco, my friend/substitute bro and guitarist just sat with me, played me my favourite song and the lullaby he wrote for me ( yes mushy but lovely) and I fell a sleep. Last night, late chat, but had slept for a long time so figured I had to be able ( was the b. day-party of our Sue! never miss a party with cyber booze!) But when I logged off I was quite sick, fever never went.. yep a hot girls here -no no don't you say it girls.. DOWN..tehhee. those inflammations, infections etc since the drugs have been taken away really start to get more aggressive. scary. My head. I'm afraid for my head. grr. the spasms are worse too, so the virus in my spinal cord must be worse. glad the site, my mail, and making a pressie for our crony deb gives some distraction. Wish it was weekend already, ( ha that on Monday.. LOL) no matter how I feel, singing is freedom for me. I know that we have had new pics no too long ago, but can't help looking out for new ones- best ones are recent ones! hint hint ( no teefnurseyRenee, I won't mention bear middle pics! ) Well.. gotta log off again. expensive way of connecting with my favourite world, -pff nothing else I spoil myself with so what the heck?!- and read my twintwit's new piece on our Mac2.. then a nap.. sure thing. hey.. bow over my dear bear. Need that neck. I'll transform in a little didi ( shrink shrink triple shrink) just to be able to have a good neck-seat.. until I've got my bounce back.. bye, Didi, ( bounceless tigger)

Thu July 12 2001
Message: Hi daddy blue eyes, ..focussing on my happycandle to get some sanity in my chaotic mind today ( sanity.. yuk..).. this is what I ended up with. // sometimes, I feel like a computer, hooked up on the internet; never knowing when I lose connection, never knowing what virus will wonder around to get me down, or how I can protect others from getting infected with the one already there... Only I cannot reboot myself, or delete the source of infection or replace less functional parts, either hardware of software on this type of computer I am. Wouldn't it be nice if I could just upgrade myself, try different software, so I could see if my friends are compatible with the didi2001... Then again, I don't need it; my friends proved to be compatible with any type of didi.. they work with the didi1970 and make it feel as if it will beat all future versions and upgrades.. Ok, it does crash every now and then, it's not as fast as we'd like it to be, but they keep this puter running, and sometimes they're substitutes for the parts, software and upgrades I miss. And one external harddrive is travelling over the planet.. Love didi

Wed July 04 2001
Message: haideho Rutger, hm, at least there is some wind here now, but eastwind so sneeze away miss hayfever..I sure hope the rain that they forecast for the end of the week will actually come down. Glad to say my lungs are doing much better, only need some time to recover. -maybe my neighbours are happy the way it is.. can only sing one song and then I already lose volume and after a second song I can't sing anymore, and hyperventilate LOL Just had a strange thing on my aol-IM.. I was haled by a stranger, which is funny on it's own, since I am not in the public list- but servers do screw up from time to time so it can happen. He obviously took me for someone else and said "hey sugar it's Richard. Honey you have such a gorgeous body.." I didn't know the guy but sure thought "go on.. don't stop.." teheehehehe poor guy if he only had seen me sitting in my PJ's hair to all direction except the right one and lots of body but not inch is gorgeous LOLOLOLOL of course I hit the block button! Think I'm gonna sit in the garden every now and then with a nice book on my head. -scare the neighbours away with my looks, -no energy for the bathroom yet. My nurse would come today but I asked her to come over tomorrow so let's say I have a bad hair day, but I'm ok with it. hmm a bad hair day by choice.. oh before I forget, Sarah Murray and Suzanne, I know, you rather have an answer from the man himself ( I've already heard several people suggest a bite with him saying it.. -dream on-) but yes, the G in Rutger's name is the throat clearing sound. ok, happy 4th American wolfies and friends, I'm gonna catch some air outside ( oh R- and Dutch wolfies-, I heard something funny on the Belgium news. was an item about nudists, the first nudist beach there, and the man who read the news called them "blote zonnekloppers" tehehehee (translated: naked sun knockers, but sounds real funny in Dutch which is almost the same as Belgium). ok ok I'll leave I'll leave. I'm hanging around your neck dear bear, -with this heat probably a half bare bear LOL Sloppy kisses! didi

Mon June 04 2001
Message: Hi Rutger, diaries, diaries.. -an my name isn't even Bridget Jones!- as if I have nothing better to do then keeping up my schedule/diary (hanging around a certain fellow's neck for instance would be a nicer way to spend the day.. -what fellow, what neck..where.. who..how..-yes ok.. babbling didi here, who must have a T obsession by now.. T-cells, can only hold T at the moment, T-mail, and giggle with a T, look: Teehehehehe, and if crying would start with a T, I would add it to the list but then it would by trying.. which I also do.. a LOT..(both crying and trying, althought don't have to try to cry -which I also do a LOT from laughter by the way!) ok..this a strange line.. I am strange.. sometimes you are too Mr, so we make a good pair hahahaa). . Written down some fun dates in the diary: -visits from special friends, and some dates for hospital stuff.. and then having to scratch those last ones again 'cause they are cancelled.. -better write them down with pencil next time.. easier to erase. that schedule of yours is 100 times more chaotic and complex I know.. but still. Have email contact with the hospital too, -at least, ergo therapist and the aids consulent let me do it by email, less of a strain then going up there every time for little things. can be very handy- for any close but far away contact email is a wonderful thing, friend or business or in between, it's handy I must say.. unless you don't know if the other party got the message.. ah, drat, but that's the inconvenience of cyberlife I suppose. -double drat- make it triple!- well.. sorry for this weird message in the middle of the night. hugs and trying to hang around that neck of yours.. but..what's this.. did you put crème on your neck??.I feel like I'm ...slipping... helllp..OUCH...!!Now you see.. fallen flat on my face!!!!!!! didi

Sat June 02 2001
Message: Hi Rutger, everyone, Needed to light, not only a candle in my room, but also here in the book. what for you might ask? Nksosi Johnson, the little boy who spoke so bravely about the acceptance of people with aids in SouthAfrica, and who gave aids a 'face' over there.. the boy who made me cry, made me proud.. has died. Today.. or actually, yesterday since it is late now and I am just out of bed to have a short goss with my cazsis.. -friday june 1. a sad day.. he made it longe then doctors expected but still.. Nkosi.. a little great man.. goodbye.. didi

Sat October 20 2001
Message: everyone, thanks for your sweet words and support, and those who have had prednisone, your words are of much use to me. I know the doctors can tell me a lot but the more info Ihave from people who took it the more I will be able to or prepare myself or decide not to if they say the changes of working is not huge. I have had a very light dosage longer time ago when my immune system was stronger and had some side effect but one of my docs said I am quite weak now.. and I really have to idea how it is to have a high dosage by IV.. so any info- by email please is welcome! MWAH Oh and TORI, no I don't need a transplant hon, they will have to see if my bloodplatelets are made too slow or in a damaged way there, and secundary they will look if there is a leukemia- but the high count of white bloodcells can be something else too. so main reason is to see if prednisone would help me get some bloodplatelets back- lets say.. stretch time before I bleed to death. tough stuff going on but hey.. as long as I can smile, it's 'ok'! love you all! MWAH dd

Fri October 19 2001
Message: Hi Rutman- IF you read the gb that is.. I didn't for days.. Often the tone here isn't very inviting huh LOL Some of my sweet friends ( HI JEN!) wondered where the heck I am, and started a search- through caz or YOOHOOO's where are you? in my mail box.. well, As most of the ones close to me will know, I am not doing too well, and I have things on my mind that I have to arrange, get ready to be able to live without that bit of worry, so didn't really have a head or time to correspond. I can only be up a few hours in the morning, and then wake up in the evening to sit a bit and then chat till I ( sometimes) literally drop down. so, if I have to do something, I gotta do it in the times I am well enough.. kinda like choosing between doing this or that.. chat with my dear holly in the morning or take a shower ( hahaha yes.. even stay half stinky for a friend.. good she is at the other side of the planet hehehhee- and my parents sit with menthol under their noses..heheheh neh of course I wash up LOL only no shower, too straining to do both..duuh pathetic huh!) Last Tuesday I had an appointment with my doc, but that darn taxi wasn't able to bring me.. of course they keep saying they couldn't help it, but it's the 3rd time now. Complaints at the health insurance comp. don't seem to help grrr -gonna ask my doc if they can arrange different transport, they are not fit to drive me when I am ill anyway. Of course I didn't let my appointment slip, just called- not the usual way but told my doc it doesn't matter if he gets paid for seeing me those 20 min or talk to me on the phone.. well he did. Wasn't much good what came out ( and that lead to this period of sort of absence in the book and mail) and heavy decisions have been made. at least, sometimes you think you have to make a decision all by yourself, you think that is worst, because you have to do it all alone, and then you get to hear you don't even have to back your reasons up because the doc thinks the same.. the decision is almost made for you by nature.. and then you realise you rather had it the other way.. then at least you had a choice. In two weeks I will know if we really will go on with a bone marrow biopsy- ouch..- and the idea was using prednisone ( already an elephant then I would be a mountain and not the one Pammy wants to climb...) but, just spoke with my hiv neurologist who is against it- not the biopsy, he wants to know the results too but the prednisone.. probably too weak to handle the side effects.. arrrghh don't know yet what will be decided. partially by me, partially by nature again- result of the biopsy. ah well, enough about this, at least some know now what is goin on, even though it may sound a bit like a riddle to some. time for more crazy stuff, laughter, ..I wish gb was a bit more a happy place like before.. chewing on and on about things happend is only wasting energy.. time. I've learned that by now. And answering those chew ups even so ( uuhmm would mean I am wasting energy now as well LOLOLOL) I hope I will be able to drink a cup of coffee in the coffee corner in our community center again next week, 5 min away..at least not at home, but close enough to walk -if there is someone to push the chair that is.. hehehee cub do you read me? probably not LOL nothing special but all we have here..my nurse told them I might be there a bit more, her number left there in case I am there with someone other then herself.. yes I have a wonderful nursey, no sissy but heck..am I? NOPE. Hey, smile everyone, and for who can't, here.. a cyber hug: HUG. hey Rutbear, you're gonna need a buggy to carry me if I have to go on prednisone LOL till then, stretch that fatherly neck and lift me up.. I know, it's tough for a bear.. C'est la vie,- C'est la sida .. MWAH love Dee

Sat October 13 2001
Message: Magnolia's, size of twice my hand, pale pink with here and there a touch of a more intense shade of pink.. those magnolia's, with a soothing fresh scent grow in a park with a low, old fashioned curled iron fence around it. I don't know where it was, nor how large the park was- it could have been someone's garden.. I didn't see more then the huge flowers, and the rain of magnolia leafs every now and then. You Rutger, had brought me there, didn't say a word just wanted to show me something, and the moment I saw the flowers and touched them, I looked up, over my shoulder..just to see you step over the fence, away from me. Within a few seconds I wasn't me, the adult Dee, but little Daisy, ( as I was called at that age) I think 6 years old, including the little piggy tails on each side of my head, white dress. The adult me looked at her, second place now, the child I am looking for, for a long time was dominating. As I, Daisy was in total awe of those magnificent flowers, I saw you watching me, gentle as always, fatherly as often..you had delivered me it seemed. Just watching, observing and smiling. It felt like letting go, and where I was I was safe, and obviously happy. Time not place were relevant where I was.. but behind that fence where you were life must have went on.. I held the flowers from one twine-like branch up- still hardly up for you, as little as I was at that age, and standing on my toes I wanted to show you my new treasure.. you smiled once more..I know you put your cap on and turned around, but that was Dee knowing, Daisy didn't.. Daisy knew you would always see, always know, without her realising she knew.. she was brought where Dee couldn't bring her..Letting go is finding something precious too and realising that I woke up. still smelling the magnolia's. A wonderful place to go to, a wonderful place to visit from time to time when things get tough. A wonderful friend to bring me there.. so that was my dream.. Love, Didi

Sat October 13 2001
Message: Mawning Rut, I Know, it is late, way too late but pain keep one awake.-both arthritis and damn neuropathy, and added to that the spasms and muscle cramps! GRRR New pills to ease the spasms and maybe get me some decent sleep don't work ( yet!) have to find the right dosage combined with my anti epileptics, which all works a bit in the same field so result is a bit reduced. Well, no signs of anything good nor bad from it so since I have to find my own dosage, only been given the top limit, since it will work different with my current drug combination I will increase the night dosage. maybe it will work.. maybe I will sleep ( ha if I really have slept a night you will hear it here with horns and bugles, flags and trumpets LOL) Oh btw, best way to reach friends is often this GB, and some have difficulties getting through in my mail, hotmail especially but even my normal planet address is behaving odd, so, a new addie: didi_thirdaddie@lycos.com just in case!. I was just waving cub les off to bed, said would go too.. duuh. sigh... no grumble though, nope won't grumble. do that once in a while and that is more then enough. have to do things.. so many things but so few hours in the day I am well enough to do something. gotta have it from mornings but those are so easily taken by other things.. nurse coming to shower, refilling medicine cabinet, do some financial business for parents, take care of the financial stuff between my nurses agency and myself, pff.. gone, in a sigh, in a blink of an eye it is gone, and then too tired to do things that need concentration. yeh.. light stuff, bit email, bit tv.. or a bit nothing. so, tomorrow morning is scheduled for what I and only I wanted to do, no things I have to! blah! no nurse, no medicines no financial stuff. have one day extra, rem won't be here Sunday so.. extra day to do what I want.. no correction, try to do what I want. better stop making a list of what I want to do I realize, because I always am behind, way behind..pfff Now my twintwit C thinks "YOU SHOULD GO TO BED"..yes Cazzie.. will do.. in which room? really fancy a stay in the bear's head- I mean hanging around the neck is great, leaning ON the head is great but now bunking IN it.. wow.. ok ok too literallyLOL but the hotel.. daft boss you have.. if you can stay at the bear's you STAY at the bear's! yep.. those 3 rooms will be shared with joy -uhhm.. dunno about bear he will be exhausted.. counting fingers "been 2 times in room 1, 3 times in 3 ..what did I do in 2.. she knocked me out..where do I hide?" no place to hide bear.. all other rooms are stuffed with the rest the ladies, the male gb visitors might even be at the desk.. LOL ok.. I am babbling and now I stop babbling. going to take that extra pill 'cause this is leading to nothing. MWAH didi

Sun October 07 2001
Message: Hi there Rut the absent one, Sunday again, with typical Sunday weather- meaning, drizzle every now and then but momentarily a sort of sunny. -still longing for thunder and the whole kaboom, love to sit with a mug of tea, or even have some cookies or pie in the oven.. not that I can eat it but it smells so darn good, and always nice to stuff someone else's face! In about 15 min Rem will arrive, lets hope I won't have to give up too soon, we want to do another song today..ah well, as long as the guitar is on one track we can do the voices later, any time I please- lets say in the middle of the night to annoy the neighbours hehehe. Been a bit of a bad girl, didn't look at gb for a few days, and not worth much in correspondence either- just every now and then a load then nothing ( so my other friends, that's the reason I am out of touch a bit) but, thought lets wave now! Ah there's rem, gotta go -darn he is early! hehehe good bro, knows the earlier the better, more chance of energy! see ya later, hugsies and Rutger, don't throw me off your neck if I am making smacking sounds.. can't help it, Jen sent me all the red jellybeans and rainbows.. and while I watch the rainbows ( aren't they gorgeous?!) I chew the jellybeans- kinda illegal.. took them from her son hahaha want one? KISSS love to all, DD PS-RRRR it's obviously feeding time in here... any spare thoughts to share? ok, now you may hit me!

Tue September 25 2001
Message: HI rutbear, miss swooshhead here. am I moping a bit? yep you bet I am. I know I am strong most of the time, but sometimes I would want to scream, -which I do actually.. hahaha poor neighbours upstairs when I suddenly started singing I want to break free so loudly from all aggression I put in it. But on the other hand.. pay back time for all the drilling and hammering this summer ( and they are still not completely done.. she must think she lives in het Loo -no British friends, not the loo, the Loo is the royal palace here) So, off to bed with this pale bumblebee, but first- eva, I think the Nostradamus topic has been on before, I personally don't care whether he was right or not. No use if you recognize it after the dead is done. of course you can protect yourself, I doubt if you have to accept things because they are predicted, but whatever he said is so damn complicated that no one knows for sure what he meant. you can recognize it, as I said, after the fact. and not all came through if I am not mistaking. anyway.. girl, how do you come to those things.. ol'McDonalds.. hehehe yes our animals make different sounds too. your and my cow are the same, only written differently. we say boe, which is boo as for your. Our rooster, kukeleku. our pig says knor, English pigs say oink I think- now this is starting to become a pathetic entry huh bear.. wonder what a rutger bear says .. SHUT UP I reckon LOLOLOL ok, leaving. I think I turn around again, hanging on my ankles.. belly and middle adorers, watch out, here I come; wooopieeee. ( American flag's between my teeth but think I need a white one between those middle-adorers!!) MWAH, hugs and the rest of the mushy vocabulary! Didi AHoWOOWOo WOOWOoo WOoooo

Fri September 21 2001
Message: Hi rutger, my nurse Lettie just left, she's doing more and more to make things easier for me, even managed to find something to ease the pain in my mouth, while docB says there's nothing that helps. that woman is a gem! I had to roar at the pharmacist this morning.. What they've done is really too stupid for words; DocB had given me a presription for my liquid hiv drugs, at least one of two, since I already had a lot of bottles from one of them. So, I needed my pills, and the other liquid stuff. Dad had picked up the bag with drugs, but this morning my nurse and I looked in the fridge to get the two drugs out (filling little bottles so I have my dosage ready right away) I only had loads of one, none of the other! So, I called the pharmacist. What do you think she said? They had looked at the prescription, did see the pills and the -now missing- liquid hiv drugs, but they ASSUMED the doc had made a mistake and so they gave me another load of the one I didn't need now!!! ASSUMED! I told her it is dangerous to ASSUME something when it's about these drugs- any drugs but these type of drugs even more. I only have a dosage for today, so I told her I need those missing bottles right away. Nope, they had to order it, would be monday. I said I can't miss a whole weekend of hiv drugs!! She answered that it was just a little mistake, and she couldn't help that it would be monday. I roared that I don't allow her to fuck with my life, and would fill in an official complaint against them ( ha don't even know where I should do that, but it sounded brave!- and serious) Suddenly the pharmacist herself came on the phone, appologized and said I will have my bottles today, after 4pm. -now they didn't have to order huh?!- I told her I expect to get what is on my prescription, no matter if the doctor prescribes shit, they don't have to think, and if they don't trust it they can call the doctor or me, but never ever ASSUME I have to get something else then the doctor prescribes!! well, another few appologies and she even agreed with what I said. Lettie, my nurse came to me and stuck her thumb in the air LOL at least I used my big mouth for something good this time hehehehe -no hic-. Well, gotta go now.. scan again. slow puter but one day the pics will be in files LOL ( 2006?) -Jackie, HUG.. hope nothing is wrong, that you feel the pain because of something harmless. and the fear for you family.. can't even begin to imagine how you- and a whole lot of other Americans- must feel. again, HUG is all I can do.- ok papa bear, see ya later.. you mind me hugging while I am hanging? in a hugging mood I suppose..love, didi ( ahoowoooo woooo wooooo)

Tue September 18 2001
Message: HI rutbear, -just back from the hospital a few hours ago, recovered from a huge dip from exhaustion from that ride, being up early etc etc, and as good as ready to take a nap/kip. -Paulette, I am repeating words already said, but they are right, you are never alone, and I too thank you for sharing your soul and emotions with us. Yes, you probably will find them back one day as reminders of who you are, or can be at times like this, and they will make you nod, maybe cry. the journals are precious sweetie, for you, for us.. for those who will read back in the GB one day, to see what has been written through time. And that goes for everything that has been written this last week.. Amazing how a guestbook became a sort of community, and a place to sign in to let others know you are ok, not ok, in pain, in joy.. I know, it was never meant to become a place like this, but I am darn happy it did. I hope you keep the GB from this last week somewhere in hardcopy, safe.. it's a reflection of souls, souls that sometimes rarely open up..souls touching eachother, embracing in time of need. Beauty, pure beauty as you are R.. and I don't ( only) mean the outside..it's your inside. amazing and yet it is not, that from all sites on the web, YOUR site became like this. birds of a feather.. do I have to say more? HUGS Didi

Mon September 17 2001
Message: Hi Rutger yes, late I know, but I am in and out of bed all the time, I'm not ok, not by a long shot but at least I know why, and for what reason I kind of called this out on myself; my unforgetable week with my twintwit cazzie. it was her holiday but can't help seeing at as my holiday as well. I mean, I went OUT! ( stupid huh, I am proud of myself! ) so, just taking it easy, rest up, make sure I take my anti biotics and not at the least my hiv drugs-left overs and look back on this delight of a woman near me, touchable ( giggleble and *hicable* -didi words LOL) when I am sick to the stomach from exhaustion and even faint. SHE is worth it. believe me. -Fiona, read your story. Yes Caz is right, it does something for me. I recognize a lot, could have been my bro Rem and me, and at the same time a setting from the past, a love from the past who in my case eventually lead to this unhealthy present of mine. My bro and I have a song for a few of our worst periods, which made us as friends and adopted bro and sis stronger, and we know we will have a last song.. I hope he will find comfort in it as you find in 'life'. woops, late now, hurry my ass into PP before our Italian G is standing at my door..must be awake! LOLOLOL ( and preferably at least my hair sorted out and some clothes on..hehehe * hic*) I really need to show her a very nice candle I have from my twintwit... not one I can will light- have a beauty of a lavender candle to light which is burnign for the USA too- but the one I was talking about is in a certain shape..very male.. any idea what I am talking about? yes, you got it, that's the body part I am talking about hahahahaha ( well at least it melts when it gets stuck OOPSY) Rutger, can you wear some kind of sling for me? with this shaking and fainting and weakness in the arms at the moment I can't hang on my own, so like to hang like babies do.. -I won't drool, and don't have to be changed! MWAH you know what I mean.. just hanging sweet man! LOVE didi

Mon September 10 2001
Message: HI Rutger, ( oh my.. above me the neighbour's dogs are howling.. would that be a coincidence now I am writing in the gb, home of the wolfies? ooh can't hold it.. AHooOWOO WOWO WOoWoo) So, did ya caught a cold already, from the heat suddenly into the rain and early fall from Europe? hope not of course! But it wouldn't surprise me.. glad you're a little closer to home.. guess we mess up your guestbook with our excitement huh? sorry can't help it sugar! I am about to throw myself into the world of dough, cinnemon, apples and much more, not to forget the amaretto, hehehehe * hic*.. Lettie, my nurse was here this morning, checking on me- preventing I do too much, and tomorrow she'll be here to taste that infamous pie of mine, and see that cazzie-beast-twintwit she hears so much about. She'll be here wednesday again to pamper me so I can rest up from tomorrow and get some energy back for thursday.. I know, only a few days with company but for me it's like I am planning a marathon. Mom's worried that I talking myself so high, with laughter and silliness that I overdo it. Sometimes I do that, true.. Can't prevent overdoing it actually, 'cause one day with company is already more then I can handle, but hey.. if I restrain myself because I will be totall loss when caz is back home, I won't ever do something nice and would always be 'just ill'.. nope not me. I am alive, so I live. I understand Ger's worries, even Lettie shakes her head when I am as pale a ghost but what the heck, then I am good competition for Casper ( he's a friendly ghost.. wonder what I would be.. ghost bitch or as the ladies here would say "teef-ghost"..) nah.. we'll see. Rutger, you brought people together by having this site, not knowing who's on or would come to see it, a group connected, friendships have grown within a year and next to a group of close friends I would LOVE to hug to pieces, that cazzie beast who's coming over now is has become my twin-twit. ha, she's a lot in the gb, but even more in my box, and we know eachother through and through..that's a gift, from life and indirect from you dear bear. ANYTHING, to be 'me' with my friends as long as I can be. no matter the consequenses..and of course I will be careful with myself. ok enough waffle this starts to get mushy... Uhhm gotta let go of your neck whilst baking that pie, but after that I will climb up on you back and just lay dead for a while.. so be available please! MWAH hugs and see ya soon, AHoOWOOWOOW WOWOOWO WOWOoo Didi ( PS: Swoosis Judi, always welcome here too, and if I could I would try that mexican soil to wheel through and listen to mexican music and dance the swooshboogie!)

Sun September 09 2001
Message: Afternoon Rutger! Wow, great piccies you've spoiled us with! Thanks for putting a LARGE piccie in the GB, finally one I can enlarge so well with my magnifying mode in my mouse that I can SEE it!!! yeehaa. (one day there will be relief puters, no doubt.. boy would I feel my fingertips raw! And I assure you I am good in feeling.. haha eyes on my fingertips) It's sunday and as an old fashion Dutch Sunday is supposed to be, it's raining. Not men. Tyres from the cars are making that "SHHHHHHHOOFFF " sound and the wind is quite strong. I like it. sit with a cup of tea and such. But, hope it'll be better next week Cazzie my twintwit! AH, my bro is just walking in, didn't expect him but.. here he is! hurray. 2nd time this week. not that I am able to sing a lot now I have those extra side effects from the HIV drugs, but a chat and a laugh is the best medicine I always feel. Hmm let's do it the schwarzenegger way "I'LL BE BACK!". Put some earplugs in dear bear, I probably will sing off key every now and then but what the heck.. since I am still hanging, would you care for a dance? yuk.. makes me think of Eric Clapton's video.. nope. just listen. LOVE and all have a good sunday! ( caz, we are already planning here, even mom is excited. seems you're gonna be pampered the 'Ger way'.. ) BYE! AHooWOWOoo WOoWOWOoo WOWOo and zoentjes and thanks to the webmasters! DIDI ( damn.. had to correct that, always write DUDU first..yeh, I am a dodo.. I know)

Sat September 08 2001
Message: Hi Rutsydutchie, how's life? bouncing back to Europe soon, better buy an umbrella.. it's ~!@#$%!!&* weather! My nurse had planned to go with me to a smal fair ( sp? fayer? pff sort of market) here on the square but it is raining, and not too little either so it's a no go. Maybe for the better, 'cause I am on double dosage of my hiv drug now and it hits me hard. let's hope it's only my body adjusting to the stuff. Tired, mega-swooshing (JUDI help, not only going to the right, also to the front...we need a 3rd swoosher LOL)and my stomach knows a nice little trick.. playing flip over, so I am embracing the toiletpot a little too often.. yuk. Well, you probably found out by now, caz is coming to visit coming week. and yes, I am gonna bake a pie for her. amaretto apple pie. -want a piece? come and get it! worth a try bear! nope, I am not really * hiccing*.. not the way I feel now. can't say I won't put my finger in the amaretto remains when the stuffing is out of the bowl! ( and into the pie...)- LUcky.. you poor cat, those hormones are flowing, not your fault! (snuggle into miss shaz's neck and purr softly, move your whiskers slowly over her jawline, and lay your tail in the back of her neck, I tell ya, she'll fall for it or she aint no woman hahahahaa) Hope the webmaster can clean up again.. even though everyone had the right to speak his or her mind.. then again, it's not up to gb writers to say wheather we are dull, stupid or unwanted only one who can say that is you Rutger.. maybe only one to stop this is also you.. dunno. LOVE and lay your big shovelpaws on my head.. need some bear energy to at least have a good week with caz, my twintwit. I'm hanging ( not doing what I suggested Lucky to do with Shaz, -my rabbit Fucky already does that with me, except the tail of course) and smoochies! Didi -ok one howl.. AHoowoWOOo WOoWOoo WOoooo.. ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz snore... snore..

Thu September 06 2001
Message: Hi rutger, -just back from the hospital, no news, only bloodcheck and telling the nurse ( and 'hand picked stand by doctor' what side effects I have) and they were extremely friendly for a change. even offered me coffee!!! wow! -I'm very tired, we waited one and a half hours for the taxi to get be back home, but can't escape from GB.. hahaha, HAVE to be here. -Tinky dinky ( oh my.. that sounds like a teletubby...)you're not stupid, gullible or what ever.. IF it was a hoaks, we all fell for it. No matter what happens, never forget this was an unofficial nomination in the first place so not likely that it would screw up anything for the bear, and besides.. if his bearpaws would type in the site's address he would see so many wonderful messages about his work that I think it's nothing but good. good things last, the ( maybe) bad thought or silly thought behind it will be drawn to the back, and finally vanish. -Jan, let me help ya out of that jacket.. ( handcuffs are much more kinky!!! ) Good typing with your hands on your back though! LOL And swoosis Judi, tehehee poor rutger with that fly swatter! you and I left-right swooshing, each with one hand holding the racket and yelling "DOWN BOY, DOWN" hahaha oops.. sorry! okok.. I stop. when I am tired I talk nonsense! MWAH rutbear, see ya! don't drop me! DD AHooOWOoo WOWOoo WOWOoo WOoo oooo ( LESS THEN A WEEK TWINTWIT!!!..yeehaa)

Wed September 05 2001
Message: Hi Rutgerbear! pissing in the wind huh? now that would give an artistic look on your pants sweetie.. unless it's from a driving car ( oops. sorry, strange imigary here LOL) Last night I couldn't get on line, no RH site, no wolfsisters.. PANIC. so, sat with mom (who says hi too) and what do I feel on my foot? a huge spider. I know, they are only useful etc etc but when I see a 5 cm spider ( once I bowed over to my foot, -hurray for those extreme loose muscles I have)I really don't think of those creaps as useful. All I think of is HEEELLLP. Now, you must know, we have a new toy here. an electic swat. ( hope that IS what a fly hitter is called in english..) it is sadistic, I know, and first didn't want to use it. I already called it our Texan swat, but with this spider already crawling up my leg (!) I had no problems with it anymore. So, mom picked up the electr. swat and handed it to me from the other side of the table. I reached for it in a hurry but didn't see anything from that distance, so I didn't know she handed the 'racket' side to me ( the part where you hit the bugs with). I grabbed in the strings of the swat and mom accidentally pushed the button.. OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH! What I said you really don't wanna know hahahaha still have a stiff thumb! I made such a noise that even deaf dad came out of bed to see what was going on. and mom first pissed, then laughing her ass off because of my shaking thumb and -literally- shocked look. ah well, that's my punishment for wanting to fry that spider! -and the spider.. never found it anymore. brrr.. creaps. And right after mom asked "and, less swooshy?" I said no. She said "oh a pity, otherwise I would hold that swat to your butt every morning to wish you a good day" of course, you can guess.. swat jokes all day now. .. beauty of a poem Rutger, now only wish it was in audio LOL .. Judi ( or Hudi LOL) poor you! as if your head hasn't had enough to suffer! an inner ear infection, ouch. well swoosh sister, hang on to the bear and to me, if I swoosh to the left and you swoosh to the right we are stabile hahaha. HUGS. ... Collette, thanks for the updates on the award thingy, but honey,-now don't take this the wrong way- but can't you give the updates in a little shorter version? it'll go on till January.. and don't ya think that will get a bit boring? I already scroll over, just thought better say so. hugs. Well dear bear, think I gotta give your neck to cazzie..poor sneezing twintwit of mine. But I'll keep hanging. no matter what bodypart I have to find. leg will do. I am used to sit LOL but uh.. please don't piss in the wind while I am down there!!! Smoochies, AHoOWowOoWOOW WOOWOWO WOWOOooWOWOWOoo Didi

Tue February 26 2002
Message: HERE I AM, TRY TO WIPE ME OUT: YOU CAN"T SUCKERS, NOT ANYMORE... take the step to tell, as a first step to love yo